


I've Seen Battles You Go Through

by EllieCee



Category: Zayn Malik (Musician)
Genre: Anxiety, F/M, its only rated T bc it tackles these subjects, panic and anxiety attacks mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-13
Updated: 2016-06-13
Packaged: 2018-07-14 19:40:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7187405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EllieCee/pseuds/EllieCee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn doesn't want Gigi to see him like that - in pieces and an anxious mess. But Gigi more than understands.</p><p> </p><p>[TW: Anxiety and Mental Illness]</p>
            </blockquote>





	I've Seen Battles You Go Through

**Author's Note:**

> Zayn opening up about his mental illness after pulling out of the Capital Ball really inspired me. I have anxiety myself and it's very comforting to see someone I stan and admire be open about an issue that many people don't understand or take seriously. I think Zayn is very brave to come out and say that he suffers from a mental illness, considering the stigma that comes along with it. This is another thing that has made me love him more as a person and another reason he means the world to me.
> 
> This one-shot is based off [Gigi's beautiful message](https://twitter.com/GiGiHadid/status/742026900059619335) to him. It's another thing that makes my heart warm because of the support and understanding she gave him - which is something I wish all of us with anxiety and or other mental illnesses could receive. 
> 
> This is mostly fiction, I don't claim that any of the events I wrote happened! Also trigger warning for those suffering with anxiety, this will contain potentially triggering things.
> 
> I would also like to dedicate this fic to my lovely friend Maya <3

She'd thought it was a little odd he wanted to meet in a car. But it was all right, she guessed - he was gorgeous and charming and so easy to talk to. She'd meet him at the dairy section of a grocery store.

And there they were, talking nicely. She loved the way his cologne smelled and she couldn't lie, her eyes followed the sharp lines of his jaw.  _God, he's breathtaking._

He'd made her laugh just before, but his relaxed demeanor quickly shattered when flashes appeared and the mumbling voices of the paparazzi grew louder. His face turned a shade of pale and his knuckles went white clutching at the edge of her seat. 

"Are you okay?"

He was far off somewhere else, eyes lightly glazed, until she asked again "Hey, Zayn? Are you okay?"

He snapped out of it and tried to shake off his nervous energy.  _He was used to this, right,_ she'd thought. She wondered if they should drive somewhere else more secluded.

"I'm sorry, yeah," he whispered softly. 

"It's okay," she replied smiling, "We can drive somewhere else."

There was a tinge of red on his cheeks. 

"No really Zayn, it's okay. They're annoying. I never truly get used to them."

He returned a smile and reached for her hand.

 

 

* * *

 

She knew Zayn did not want her to see it.

The way he turned paler, or his sudden silence when he heard the paparazzi crowd outside her apartment door. He'd brush it off with a joke, or make  _her_ smile. She didn't need it, she thought, she was used to this. She knew how to navigate through a sea of paparazzi. It was him she was concerned about. 

But he holds her hand, his other one on her arm, making sure none of the paparazzi ram into her. But she could feel the way his hands would shake and she recognized the glazed look on his eyes whenever they drew close. She would squeeze his hand tighter but he doesn't relax until they're in the car. 

"Just stay here, don't bother with a hotel," she'd suggested, "Only one paparazzi walk."

"It wouldn't be a bother?" he asked. 

"Why would it be?" she replied, kissing his cheek. He smiled, linking his arm with her's. 

 

* * *

 

Zayn did not want her to see the pills either. 

She'd caught a glance at the orange bottle the very first time he stayed over and they peeked from the pocket of his carry-on bag. 

"Uh, how about I make dinner tonight, yeah?" he'd said to avert her eyes from it.

"Sure, babe," she'd said. 

Later, she felt the other side of the bed dip as Zayn got up to walk to the bathroom. She heard a pill bottle pop open, followed by the sound of the sink. The clock on her dresser read 4:30 AM, an hour before she had to get up for a shoot. She feigned sleep as she felt Zayn crawl back under the covers and wrap his arm around her waist. 

When she was brushing her teeth later, she noticed he'd left the pill bottle by the sink. 

 _Take one daily, by mouth._  
_Malik, Zain_  
Fluoxetine

She didn't say anything. 

When she returned later that afternoon, Zayn had spaghetti bolognese on the stove, and the pill bottle wasn't by the bathroom sink anymore.

 

* * *

 

There was something about him that had made her feel softer inside somehow. The way he'd crinkle his face when he peeked over her shoulder to see what she'd drawn, nobody had ever paid that kind of attention to those things before and it made her heart swell in a way she couldn't explain. Or the humming in her ear in the morning - the sweetest hum she'd ever heard. His soft reassuring voice when she was drowning with worry. 

And she wanted Zayn to know she was there for him too. So badly. 

It was January 28th - the clock nearing midnight. His first solo music release. They'd ordered out, tacos and burritos, but Zayn had not touched his. There was that glazed look on his eyes that she knew  _so_ well. 

"Your burrito's getting cold, baby," she said. 

Zayn fiddled with his fingers, taking short, sporadic breaths. She hadn't seen him like this before. 

"I'm not hungry. Sorry love," he said apologetically. He picked at his nail and took another shaky breath.

"They're going to love the song," she assured with a smile. He attempted to return it, but was met with a quivering lip. 

"What if they don't, G?" 

She hated when his voice shrunk. 

"I don't see why they wouldn't," she said. He attempted a smile again, only to fail once more.

Suddenly, his breathing became ragged and his hands shook, knocking a fork off the table.

"Z?"

He opened his mouth to answer, but now his entire body shook as he stood up and dashed to the bathroom. 

"Zayn!"

She ran after him and found him crouched by the toilet, spewing out the very little bit of the burrito he'd eaten.

"Are you okay?"

She could see his shaky grip on the toilet bowl as he struggled to flush. She quickly turned the tap on and filled a glass, handing it to him.

"Thanks, babe," he rasped, as she helped him up to the sink. He rinsed his mouth and she caught his reddened eyes in the mirror. Her heart was breaking. 

"Z," she said softly, "Come here."

He walked into her arms, face buried in her shoulder. Her hands found his hair and she pressed a kiss on his cheek. 

"I"m here for you. You can tell me anything."

She heard him sniffle, and the faint sounds of crying. She let the two of them stand there for a bit, rubbing comforting circles on Zayn's back.

"G?" he spoke. 

"Yeah?"

"G, I have the worst anxiety," he managed to say before breaking down again. 

"That's okay baby, that's okay," she replied, "What can I do?"

"Just stay with me please, G," he choked, "Stay with me."

She remembered who no longer spoke to him. She felt a sharp pang in her chest.

"I will Z."

 

* * *

 

 

She quickly learned. 

What sets him off are: paparazzi and flashing lights, live performances, and UK media news. 

 

She'd squeeze his hands when they walked out of her apartment. Before they walked out of the door, she'd say in his ear "It's only us okay? Just the two of us, and we're all right." 

 

She facetimed him before his first Fallon performance.

"You're gonna kill it baby," she said, as she watched him give her a crinkly-eyed smile. 

"Call me when you're done, all right?" she suggested. He gave her a yes before telling her a good-bye and "I love you" as the runner came to get him. 

 

Jason had told her that he, Ned, and Griffin try their best to block out any UK news. 

"We blocked all UK media outlets on his laptop," Jason had said. She had accompanied Zayn to amagazine shoot. Jason had pulled her aside after she'd expressed concern over seeing Zayn google himself. 

"Well, obviously you can't do that with everything," he continued, "He shouldn't read them. I know he gets upset over them, but he still does. And he acts like it doesn't bother him."

She let out a sigh.

"I told him not to read them," she told Jason, "They're not true anyway."

"I know," Jason replied, "But he's obsessed. I guess it's because it's his home country."

She felt loneliness wash over her - but she couldn't imagine what that would feel like for Zayn.

 When he emerged later, she ran to him gave him a tight squeeze. 

"What's that for?" he asked, amused look on his face. 

She looked him in the eyes and felt something overwhelming grow in her chest.

"I love you," she blurted.

His face turned soft, eyes scanning her face for a moment before kissing her. 

"I love you too, G," he whispered when they broke apart, foreheads pressed together. 

She ran her finger down the line of his jaw.

"I want you to feel like you're home with me," she said. 

Zayn pressed a kiss on the tip of her nose.

"I do G, I do."

 

* * *

 

Zayn had fallen asleep before her - a rare thing. For someone who loved sleep, Zayn's mind was constantly buzzing at night, and she was usually tired from long work days. But now she's still awake, wrapped up in one of his big merch t-shirts. She heard his voice saying "You look so cute in that, love."

She smiled to herself and looked at him asleep beside her, chest slowly rising and falling, snoring quietly (something he'd never admit), and long lashes brushing against his cheek. She snuggled up behind him and wrapped an arm around his waist. He was so warm and his familiar smell sent a wave of comfort down her stomach.

"G," he mumbled, "Love you, G."

"Love you too," she'd whispered in his ear. She saw him smile and fall back to sleep.

He was peaceful and beautiful. She wished he was always like this, away from whatever picked and prodded at his nerves, away from anything that made him feel trapped in his own head.

She squeezed him tighter and placed a light kiss on his shoulder. 

If she could, she would take all the anxiety in him and burn them into cinders.

 

* * *

 

 

This was the worst one yet. She'd wondered if there  _had_ been worse, but Shareena told her different. She felt helpless watching him clutch his face in his hands, breathing heavily against the table of the vanity.

"We told him he didn't have to do this," Shareena shared in a worry-soaked voice. She bit her nail and put a hand on Zayn's shoulder, squeezing it softly. 

"Z," she said softly, kneeling close to his face, "Don't force yourself."

He lifted his face, tears dripping down his cheeks. Shareena handed him a glass of cold water.

"I'll disappoint everyone," he cried, wiping his eyes before taking a gulp of water. 

"We don't want you having an attack in front of a whole arena," Shareena said, patting his back, "Zayn. It's not worth it if you're going to put this over your health."

Zayn sighed, his breathing ragged.

"People came here to see me. It's a big deal."

She held his hand and stroke his face.

"You do so much for fans Z. You always push yourself. If this is one thing you can't handle, it's all right."

"She's right. You always pick health first," Shareena added.

 

She watched his hands shake as he wrote the statement on his phone. His family was there now, surrounding and smothering him with comfort as he hit send. Doniya handed him a tissue as his mother pulled him close to her. 

"None of us are disappointed love," his mother assured, "We're all proud of you for opening up. We're proud of you for trying."

"We are, Z," Doniya said, squeezing his hand. Safaa and Waliyha came close to hug him. 

She heard a muffled "Thank you," before his sisters released him. 

"Now come on," his mom said, "Let's get you home and rested. Get Gigi rested too, she's probably jet-lagged. Stop for Nandos on the way."

On their way out she felt him take her hand.

"I'm glad you're here with me," he said. 

 

* * *

 

She loved seeing him asleep. He's so peaceful then, especially now, him curled up on his lap, in the living room of his London home. Eaten boxes of Nandos lay scattered on the coffee table, the sound of a movie playing on the TV blanketing them. His sisters focused on the screen, Doniya once in a while checking on Zayn.

"How is he?" Doniya mouthed.

"He's asleep," she replied. 

"Good," Doniya replied, "You should rest too."

"I'm fine," she answered. 

"Are you sure?" Doniya asked.

She nodded, and Doniya smiled in response, returning to the movie. 

She listened to his soft snoring and ran her hand through his hair. 

"You know," Doniya suddenly said, "I'm glad he can do this now."

"What do you mean?" she asked, hand, softly massaging Zayn's scalp.

"Back then, when he was in One Direction," Doniya stated, "They wouldn't let him talk about his anxiety. I think that frustrated him."

She glanced at him again, peacefully asleep on her lap.

"Why?"

Doniya shrugged.

"I'm just glad he can open up like that now. I don't think people understood before. I hope they do now. He does a lot for his fans."

"I know."

"Gigi?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for taking care of him, yeah? He's been so happy lately."

Her heart swole and felt tears prickling in her eyes.

"It's no problem at all."

When Doniya returned her attention to the movie again, she pulled out her phone and began typing. 

 

_Z - I've seen the battles you go through and the way you fight to get to a place that allows you to be up there for your fans..._

 

 

* * *

 

 

When she woke up that morning, she found him sitting on the edge of the bed. 

"Z?"

He turned, tears once again dripping down his face.

"What's wrong?" she asked, worry forming in her chest.

He rushed to her and took her into his arms.

"I love you," he whispered in her ear before kissing her face. 

It took her groggy mind a second before it clicked. She felt tears fall down her own face.

"I love you too, Z."

 

 


End file.
